Some people are debating over whether or not Peter was actually great. These people are fucking idiots.

So Tsar Alexei dies suddenly without picking who should succeed him as ruler of Russia! Oh shit!

Peter is the son of tsar Alexei’s second wife, who was from the Naryshkin clan, and they want him in charge of course!
– Alexei had several children, but Peter is the only surviving male out of either marriage actually capable of ruling

However Sophia of the Miroslavski clan, daughter of Alexei’s first wife, also wants to be in charge!

The Streltsy – marksman soldiers whose military service is lifelong and hereditary
– Created by Ivan the Terrible to fuck up people he didn’t like
– They support and are controlled by Sophia! Do you know what that means??

It means she sics them on the Naryshkins and tons of them are murdered.
– what a ho

The patriarch of the church is like woah okay everybody chill out.
– He comes in to negotiate who will rule and to limit the actions of the streltsy

A land council ends up meeting to decide what to do
– I still don’t know what a land council is.

They decide that Peter will be co-tsars with his half brother Ivan! Problem solved!
– Oh wait a minute Peter can’t rule a country because he’s NINE.
– Ivan is not nine, but he is blind and almost mute and not really mentally “with it”, so he’s not ruling shit either
• real nice picks, land council.

It looks like they need a regent to rule until Peter becomes older and Ivan becomes… I don’t even know.
– Why does the council have Ivan in on this at all?

So they get Sophia to do it! This can only end completely terribly.

She does actually do some good stuff, though.
– Before she flips her shit and tries to kill Peter, anyway.

Cool Shit That Sophia Did
1. She signs the Treaty of Nerchinsk with China
– this lasts until the Bolshevik revolution! For frame of reference, that is about a billion years from now
2. She sends the first official ambassador to say hi to Europe
– This was done mostly in response to the Turks down in the Ottoman Empire literally ruining everyone’s shit and the Pope asking for help with that
3. Signs a “perpetual peace” treaty with Poland
– This obviously doesn’t last forever
– World War II!!
4. Tries to take over Azov, which is a region north of the Black Sea
– this is a huge failure because Azov is owned by the Turks who currently take shit from absolutely no one
• Sophia learned that the hard way

Anyway so Sophia is like doing her tsarina thing and it’s all good and nice and OH SHIT Peter is seventeen now and married! Time to give up the throne, missy.
– Ivan is still being useless and sick, if anyone was wondering.
• no one was!! Ivan sucks.

Sophia tries to get Peter killed using the Streltsy. Again.
– But the Naryshkins are like nope! and with their protection Peter is completely unharmed.

Eventually they manage to kick Sophia out
– Peter puts her in a convent to live, instead of murdering the shit out of her like everyone expected him to. There are a few reasons he did this, but the biggest one was because he is awesome.

Okay wait what was Peter up to for the last seventeen years?

Peter’s Totally Sweet Life
During Sophia’s regency the Naryshkin family resettles in a place called Preobrazhensky – Peter grows up there and ends up being like super tall, tough, and energetic.
He is really not an intellectual, and prefers to just learn by doing!
– he is really into boats and sailing and shit
• which is kind of too bad because Russia doesn’t have any ports
– also he likes military stuff!

Peter makes his own mock-military regiment for the funsies
– it was made up of people from neighboring villages, they like drilled and had fake battles

At first it is just a game but soon it’s like the real deal, and not only is it real but it is THE regiment to be in until like 1917
– If you’re not in Peter’s regiment you’re pretty much a loser because no one gives a shit about whatever dumb regiment you’re in.

Peter also chills in the German quarter outside of Moscow a lot
– It’s also called a foreign suburb, and Peter likes to make lots of foreign pals there!
– It is mostly a place for “rabble” from European countries to hang out in
• I put rabble in quotes because my prof said it and I wrote that shit down, but I would never use that word. Ever.

One of Peter’s best friends is a dude named Franz Le Fort from Geneva
– Franz isn’t an intellectual either and mostly just likes getting drunk
– From him Peter begins to learn about European technology
• like clocks and shit

Peter never really got along with his wife so he got a mistress from Germany named Anna
– He also hung out with super smart Patricia Gordon from Scotland but I don’t think they were hooking up

So what was Peter’s greatest love!
– Was it is wife?
• haha, nope!
– Was it Anna?
• also nope
– Was it being ridiculously badass?
• closer but still no

Actually it was SHIP BUILDING!!

Seriously he can’t get enough of that shit! It’s crazy.

So anyway after Sophia is kicked off the throne, Peter isn’t actually ready to rule Russia yet
– He had like waaay too much partying to do.

So his mom Nataliya is in charge for a little while until Peter is like let’s do this thing!!
– Ivan is dead now by the way
• Nobody cares.

Peter is like okay I need to get this boat shit sorted out immediately.
– The first major thing he does as ruler is to try to take over the port of Azov on the Black Sea in 1695
This is actually a terrible failure… but Peter would never do anything half-assed!
– So he tries again next year and wins yeeeeahhhh!!!

I should make it clear at this point that Peter the Great is fuckin sweet and anyone who disagrees is an asshole.

Day One – Super Early Russia Time!!
Day Two – Russian People Murder Each Other Like Way Too Often
Day Three – Peter the Motherfucking Great
Day Four – Russia Picks Some Fights for Shits and Giggles
Day Five – Drunken Caroling as a Form of Government

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