King Clovis is still REALLY busy being fuckin sweet and choppin off heads, but the church won’t stop sassing him about who the hell knows what.

The Christian church is like dying to get him to convert (Clovis is still a pagan)
– so to get the church to do shit for him, Clovis dangles the possibility of him converting in front of them
▪ this works for a pretty long time before the church is like waaaaait a minute

So they get Clovis to marry this super-devout lady named Clotilda in hopes that she will convert him, and when they have a son she tells the king that she wants to have him baptized!
– Clovis is like haha what! no.

But Clotilda is mad into getting this kid baptized and she keeps hassling him until Clovis is all fine, just shut up about it!!

So they take the kid to get baptized… and he dies as soon as the ceremony starts
– Clovis is like WHAT the FUCK.

And Clotilda is all no, no, it’s cool, he’s in heaven now at God’s side!
– but Clovis is still like no dude, this is garbage.

My professor takes a moment to implore us to give our own kids cool medieval names
– such as Siegabert or Ivan or Ingamar or Friedagurt

So anyway a little later they have another son! This kid also gets baptized
– and then gets sick immediately after and Clovis is like WHAT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME
▪ but Clotilda goes and prays or something and he recovers! Hooray!
▪ way too many dead babies in this chapter for me

Clovis actually does end up converting later on, but I’m not sure why because I just spaced out for a few minutes

The reason the church was so keen on having the King convert was because the second he did, about three thousand of his barbarians did too
– they didn’t actually “get” Christianity but if Clovis was doing it that shit had to be sweet

So now most of the Franks are Orthodox Catholic Christians due to Clovis’s conversion, which is awesome for Clovis because it allows him to disguise his greed as “helping the church”
– so for example instead of just arbitrarily conquering shit for the loot, now he’s doing it in the name of God!

If an enemy Clovis was beating up tried to claim sanctuary in a church, he’d just burn the fucker down
– which the church wasn’t too crazy over, but Clovis would just build them a new one cos he was mad rich anyway
▪ and then he’d have political and financial control over the new building, but they couldn’t complain about that either cos he just built them a fancy ass new church!
▪ clovis you are so smart!!

Overall, Clovis is super popular with everyone that he isn’t murdering or screwing over

So when he dies in 511 it is very sad :(

Especially for his idiot sons who inherit the kingdom and waste all of their time trying to murder each other
– that only worked for CLOVIS, assholes!

Day One – Germanic Barbarians Are Fucking Crazy
Day Two – Are You Tired of Barbarians Yet? Me Neither.
Day Three – King Clovis Has No Time For Your Bullshit
Day Four – King Clovis Thinks Christianity is Silly
Day Five – In Which Jesus Scolds Some Rowdy Teen Zealots
Day Six – Heresy and Hissy Fits

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