While the Roman Empire is busy imploding, the Frankish barbarians decide it’s time to go conquer some of their shit

So they get all up in the Roman province of Gaul and turn it into France!

This isn’t actually that hard. Roman presence there isn’t very strong besides a few outposts, the natives are like yeah whatever, more conquering assholes as usual.
– There’s some Visigoths there too but the Franks are like fuck your everything and so they get kicked down into Spain

The Visigoths actually get a better deal anyway because it’s warmer down there. Northern Gaul is fuckin freezing but the Franks are barbarians so I guess they don’t give a shit.

So anyway they settle in around 450 AD

They are still pretty tribal at this point
– When a King dies all of his stuff is divided equally between his sons
• So then his sons are all kings
• and then I guess their sons get to be kings later too!
• kings all over the god damn place

A kingdom is not a territory, but rather a group of people you rule over. No one thought of kingdoms as places with specific borders yet

But who cares about all that shit because it’s time to talk about Clovis!!!
– oh my god I am so excited

Clovis (466-511 AD) was a Frankish king, founded the first Frankish dynasty, and was more or less fucking crazy

His dynasty was known as the Merovingian dynasty and lasted from 480 to 751

So Clovis is kind of a huge asshole
– he’d kill you for pretty much no reason
– but he’s also clever and diplomatic! so the natives like him a lot

His barbarian tribe also likes him because he has them go pillaging and shit like every other day
– pillaging is to barbarians as scrapbooking is to old ladies with grandchildren

This bishop guy named Gregory of Tours wrote a book about Clovis and the Franks like a generation later
– my professor takes a moment to challenge the class to find a single page in this three-hundred page book that doesn’t have something incredibly violent on it
• we do not succeed

Anyway in it Gregory talks about this one time where Clovis and his dudes were ransacking a church
– they went after churches a lot because they had a lot of gold and shit, but were generally poorly defended

So they fuck up this church but then the bishop Remigius is all Clovis look, you can take all of our stuff, but please let us just have that one vase. It’s this mad important holy relic artifact thing and it’s all we want.
– So Clovis is like okay man listen. We divide up our loot by a lottery system so it is fair to all my barbarian guys. Come with me to Soissons where we’re doing the lottery and if I win the vase in my part of the lottery, you can have it.

And the bishop is like okay cool.

So they head up to Soissons and Clovis is like okay guys, I am taking my usual king-sized share of the treasure, plus this fucking vase thing because I’m not even going to keep it, it’s for this little bishop here. Anyone have a problem with that?
– Everyone is like shit Clovis, you are the KING! you do whatever the hell you want

Except for this ONE GUY.
-He is like you can just get fucked Clovis!! and then he goes up to the vase and smashes it to pieces with his axe.

Clovis has a really quick temper, so everyone is like ohhhhhh shiiiiit.
– But he doesn’t say anything. He just gives the broken pieces to the bishop.

A year goes by…
-Clovis lines his army up to inspect their armor and weapons and stuff
• he gets to the vase guy and he is like bitch your weapons look fucking terrible, you are such an embarrassment. Then he grabs the dude’s axe and throws it on the ground!

And when the vase guy leans down to pick it up… Clovis just CRUSHES HIS SKULL IN.

And then he’s all “So you treated the vase of Soissons, so I treat you.”

Basically the dude is out of his mind in the coolest way possible! Incidents like this were really why no one messed with him.

So anyway Clovis is running around being a badass when he is like GUYS.

I don’t want to be A king of the franks.

I want to be THE king of the franks.

So he is now on a mission to murder all of the other kings and their sons
– this isn’t as simple as offing a couple of dudes. There are like a million fucking kings all over the place!
• because when a king dies his sons are automatically kings, Clovis pretty much just has to kill every single male relative he has in the universe
• no problem!!

Clovis manages to actually do it over the course of a few years with a mix of just outright leading an army against them and some more subtle tricks

For example, one time he sent a letter off to King Siegabert’s son
– and he is like hey your dad is like mad old, if he HAPPENED to die then you’d be king!
• and the son is like cool so he murders his father and then sends a letter to Clovis

In the letter he is like thanks for the tip Clovis, send some dudes up here and I’ll give them some treasure for you
– so while Clovis’s envoys are up there Siegabert’s son takes them down into the very secluded treasure room and he’s like check out all this cool shit!
• and the envoys are like yeah sweet, and then they kill him

So Clovis comes up to Paris and he’s all oh man I heard about your king and his son you guys, that sucks
– and the people are like yeah I guess
– and Clovis is like soooo I’ll just pretty much be your king now
– and the people are like yay! Clovis forever!!

Clovis forever INDEED.

Day One – Germanic Barbarians Are Fucking Crazy
Day Two – Are You Tired of Barbarians Yet? Me Neither.
Day Three – King Clovis Has No Time For Your Bullshit
Day Four – King Clovis Thinks Christianity is Silly
Day Five – In Which Jesus Scolds Some Rowdy Teen Zealots
Day Six – Heresy and Hissy Fits

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