Though the barbarians were collectively pretty bitchin, they weren’t all the same.

They were divided up into east & west depending on where they crossed the border into the Roman empire

West: Franks, Saxons, and Anglos
East: Visigoths, Ostrogoths, and Vandals

The west is already pretty much into farming and agriculture and shit, so they just expand their farming territory into the empire. It’s not really a big deal

But the barbarians from the east are still nomadic so they have more “dramatic” incursions.
-what does that even mean?

Anyway after the battle of Adrianople around 410 the Goths all go to Rome and steal all their shit
-this makes the entire empire look like a free for all for the other barbarians

So now there’s barbarians pretty much just fuckin everywhere
-but they are actually pretty chill
-instead of kicking the Romans out they just sort of intermingle with them, because the roman empire is the size of a god damn planet so there’s room for everyone
-they also adopt the local religion (Christianity) which apparently we are going to talk about later

However all of Rome’s fancy systems begin to collapse!
-this is because to work they need stuff like bureaucrat and scholars and lawyers
-barbarians don’t have lawyers. they don’t even give a shit about learning to read

MEANWHILE, in England! The native Rome-influenced British have hired barbarian mercenaries to protect them from other barbarians
-this situation seems familiar

The barbarians are really badass and do a great job!

So they’re like, okay British people, when are you going to pay us?

And the British are all uhh never haha!

And the barbarians are like what the fuck so instead of getting gold or whatever as payment, they just take the entire country of Britain and kick the natives out
-so now they are pretty much the new natives of Britain
• this hiring barbarians thing literally never works out

Also meanwhile back down on the Italian Peninsula, the Romans have retreated there to sort of salvage whatever they have left of the western empire
-at this point (476) the last emperor has been disposed of and the whole place is controlled by the military
• the military, in turn, is controlled by German barbarians generals

Also also meanwhile, over in the other half of the empire, the eastern emperor decides he wants to try and win back the western half!
-it is important to note that before the barbarians came in the entire empire was split in two on purpose, but details on that another day

In Constantinople, the capital of the eastern half, there is a diplomatic hostage named Theodric
-Theodric is the son of an Ostrogoth king sent there to make sure the king behaves, because if he doesn’t they will just murder the shit out of Theodric

So Theodric grew up in the Byzantine court is like mad smart and stuff

And the eastern emperor is all THEODRIC.

TAKE YOUR OSTROGOTHS AND GO GET THE WESTERN HALF OF THE EMPIRE BACK.

And Theodric is like yeah okay

So Theodric heads on over to the Italian peninsula and he is totally bitchin at everything, so of course he wins it back

And the emperor is all GOOD WORK, THEODRIC

And Theodric is like man fuck you guys, and he keeps it all for the Ostrogoths instead
-so awesome

So now it is like 500 and the Roman empire in the west is pretty much done for, so the eastern half officially goes off on its own to become the Byzantine Empire

And then we went over the history of Christianity in the empire for like an hour and it was mad boring.

Day One – Germanic Barbarians Are Fucking Crazy
Day Two – Are You Tired of Barbarians Yet? Me Neither.
Day Three – King Clovis Has No Time For Your Bullshit
Day Four – King Clovis Thinks Christianity is Silly
Day Five – In Which Jesus Scolds Some Rowdy Teen Zealots
Day Six – Heresy and Hissy Fits

Share on Tumblr

Tweet