Portugal Turns Sassing Spain Into A Fine Art

After 1513, Panama is becoming very popular for Spain. It has lots of opportunities for their favorite hobby: ruining the lives of indigenous people!
– …and pearl fishing!

Overall Spain is no longer very interested in the Caribbean except for some ports and stuff.
– the exciting conquerings of Hernán Cortés attract them to the mainland!

When Cortés lands, he is near present day Veracruz in 1519
– this is the same year Magellan starts sailing south to go around the whole continent!
– it actually works!! Except like the entire crew, Magellan included, dies on the way.
• lol whoops

The Aztec emperor Montezuma was really freaked out by Cortés.
– you can’t really blame the guy either because Cortés fucks him up later!

So basically Spain wants to make a totally sweet empire on the South American mainland
– this means the mainland prospers while the Caribbean just deteriorates into even more of a shitshow than it already was
• aw :(

1523 – other Europeans begin to notice that the native Indian nations are where the money’s at

“People who don’t clean the blackboard after they’re done are like people who don’t flush the toilet.” my professor is all riled up about the accounting class that uses the room before us

Anyway, the rest of Europe finds out about what Spain has been up to when a French privateer named Fleury catches a couple of their ships off the Azores
– (the azores are a group of islands in the middle of the atlantic ocean)

Alright so France and Spain were having one of their kerfuffles at the time, so when Fleury caught the ships it was like standard procedure to take all of their stuff

He looks into their cargo and is like WHAT where did you assholes get all this gold??

And Spain is all uhhhh

And Europe is like oh it’s from the Indes isn’t it

And Spain is like dang

So now they have a lot of rivals!

But Spain has been doing their thing in the Caribbean for a while and they are not keen on sharing

So they are like listen dorks the POPE says all of this is ours so how about you just go get fucked
– this comes from the Treaty of Tordesillas in 1494 with Portugal, which they feel still counts in this case
• no one else cared to get in on the treaty at the time because the Americas were pretty much worthless but now it’s like RAINING GOLD there so they’re all like waaaait a minute

The Caribbean, as the passageway to the gold on the mainland, becomes a way for other Europeans to challenge Spain’s dominance
– Spain is mad super serious about their dominance too. They have their own mainland empire, which they named “New Spain”
• (the official mini-spain)

Spain tries their best to handle all the other Europeans messing around by setting up trade regulators in the Caribbean, but that just encourages smugglers to come into the region to get around all of their dumb rules
– the normal settlers actually really like smugglers cos they have nice shit that is less expensive than what the Spanish are doling out
– they are more or less peaceful

Slightly less peaceful: warships, professional pirates, and privateers
– all of these make it their business to ruin Spain’s shit in every way possible by blowing up their ports

Privateers: privately owned vessels licensed by the government to mess around with enemy ships. they have a lot of rules to follow and need special documents to operate.
Pirates: random assholes with boats doing whatever they want

The Spanish are like okay this is just getting RIDICULOUS why is no one listening to the Pope?? He’s the god damn POPE.
– they start to lose their shit on anyone their find on their side of the treaty line

bitches love the pope.

My professor wastes a bunch of time to complain about people who get up to use the bathroom in the middle of class
– what is with you and toilets today?

Mercantilism: this is the name for the stupid, complicated system of shipping that the Spanish use
– it is super inconvenient for the Caribbean colonists cos they aren’t allowed to trade with each other. They literally have to send things to Spain just to send them ALL THE WAY back to trade. They are forced to have an intermediary
• this bullshit is, of course, why they like smugglers so much! despite them being like kill on sight for Spanish warships

Spain’s perpetual hissy fit over its territory makes the area gradually more violent in general

But meanwhile, a few things also become increasingly apparent to the Spanish:
1. They are completely out of native people to work to death as slaves
2. The only place to get more slaves is the coast of Africa
3. They can’t go to the coast of Africa because it’s technically Portugal’s backyard according to that fuckin treaty from a hundred years ago that they keep harping about

seems to be the only reasonable option.

So Spain is like uhh hey Portugal maybe we could just come over there and pick up a few slaves we’ll just be a minute? you like won’t even know we were there

And Portugal is like AHAHAHAHA NOPE FUCK YOU so Spain is forced to allow Portugal into the Caribbean to bring in slaves to sell.
– this is called an “asciento”, basically a trade agreement

Portugal, ever sassy, takes advantage of this and under the guise of bringing in slaves, they sneak in other cargo too
– since cloaked by the legit trading asciento, this works out pretty well

drawing the country of Portugal as a sassy teenage girl will literally never get old for me.

This pisses Spain off EVEN MORE but there isn’t much they can really do about it because Portugal is so god damn slick at hiding it

Oh my god he is complaining about people leaving to use the bathroom again I’m done for the day.

These notes are from a class named “Caribbean History”. To read more notes from this class, just click one of the links below!

Day One – Columbus Gets All Up in the Caribbean’s Space
Day Two – Portugal Turns Sassing Spain Into A Fine Art

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  1. Me

    you are the best

    Comment — February 11, 2012 @ 10:59 pm

  2. LilBree89

    more caribbean history, please!! this is the shortest one but easily the best!

    Comment — December 14, 2014 @ 1:36 am

  3. SamDevil

    Sassy teenage portugal XDD

    Comment — February 4, 2015 @ 2:34 pm

  4. Xenn

    Why don’t we learn this in school??

    Comment — March 19, 2015 @ 10:53 pm

  5. Ana

    They are all great but I LOVE your Caribbean history ones!! More please!

    Comment — July 9, 2015 @ 8:40 am

  6. Elisa B

    i literally bought a book on caribean history because of this post

    Comment — April 30, 2017 @ 11:02 am

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